I lay in bed every night dreading tomorrow.
Just lying there not wanting to restart the same cycle. No matter what I try it ends up the same.
Nothing feels real, reality feels like a distant memory. I never leave the house, I sit on the couch all day and do nothing because even having a shower feels too much like a chore.
Even if I do leave the house, go for a walk or go to the store, within five minutes I’m back home again as if I never went in the first place.
I’m stuck in a constant time loop with no sense of time.
No matter what I try or do, nothing can stop it.
I’m depressed and angry on a daily basis because I don’t know what’s happening.
As it slowly gets worse my brain starts questioning itself.
Are we real?
Are the things around us real?
Is this a simulation?
Are we actually dead?
My anxiety is always high and there is no way to calm it. One small thing upsets or annoys me and an avalanche of emotions falls into me. Ones that were always there and always will be.
I always thought I liked to touch everything due to my Autism, but maybe it’s just my way of trying to convince myself that everything is real.
But if everything is real, then why would I need to convince myself that it is if I already know that?
Living everyday like this is really trippy, some days I don’t even know why I bother anymore.
I could just live out my days asleep in bed, trying to wish the world away.
I don’t want to deal with this feeling, it has been going on for months now and shows no signs of stopping.
It makes me question if anything is real at all.